Clarity when you have a dilemma comes, most often, after something traumatic or something utterly peaceful.
I've had my fair share of traumatic clarity. I'm pleased to say that five days down on the central coast with the family (three of those days in the water) has provided some much needed clarity.
The whole week before the trip, I was frothing! Checking Surfline for the spot we were staying near, watching the YouTube livestream of the town we were staying in, exercising and practicing pop ups because I knew we were going to rent a board and the forecast called for relatively small surf.
Our first full day there, having rented a wetsuit for my youngest and the biggest board they had (a 9ft Stormblade that was definitely skinnier than what we rode for our surf lesson in March) I had already walked a ton by the time we went down to the beach, so I opted to boogie board for a bit to warm up and because my lame ass arches were sore and I didn't want to aggravate them trying to pop up right away.
Anyway, I found myself floating out there between sets thinking "Man, I'm pretty happy just doing this. Boogie boarding, being out in the water with my kids, and just having fun!" Suddenly, I didn't feel the need to prove anything to myself, to the surf world, or even to teenage me who so desperately wanted to get up on a board.
Is this it? Am I a boogie boarder? Did I just miss that window for getting out and standing up on a board? I asked myself.
Do you have to limit yourself to just one way to ride the surf? I also asked myself.
Two hours in the water that first day, having fun but also contemplating what I wanted. That weight of getting up and getting even a decent ride in the whitewash was weighing on me. Just being out on the boog and jumping into waves was fun! It was freeing!
The next day, we again went out for two hours. A little further up the beach where the break was cleaner. Another day forecast to only be 1 to 2 feet, but it was definitely more than that a few times! I tried getting out on our rental board for a little bit. Kneeboarded once and didn't get all the way to my feet. My blue Diamond Head boogie board (a Craigslist find about 5 years ago) sat on the beach and I just went Yeah, okay, let's get that back in the water. So the Stormblade went back to dry land and I had another session where I was really happy in the water.
Third day was pretty much the same, though we were back in the choppier part of the beach because friends were visiting and the kids all decided to go out there. Weather was coming and there was a decent onshore push. But I still had fun. I still didn't regret being on the boogie and not trying to be on a surfboard.
This clarity was a weird feeling (and still is at times). I grew up boogie boarding and felt that I needed to be on a surfboard if I was going to call myself a surfer. Decades went by before I got myself together enough to really try and get out there. I knew I had age and a life of not being as active as I could be working against me, but I was determined and I absolutely appreciate how much more healthy I am now. Like, I'm not about to give that up!
But I think it was Phil Edwards who said "The best surfer out there is the one having the most fun." And it was Tom Morey (inventor of the boogie board!) who said "No matter what you're riding on a wave, ultimately, you're a surfer."
Fuck, man, who am I to argue?
Do I still want to get up on a board at least once? You bet I do, but I also have to have fun. I'm not going to stress about it anymore. I'm going to get in the water as often as I can and however I choose to ride the surf, I'm going to have fun doing it.
Because I don't need anyone else's validation. I'm a surfer.